Black Clouds and Sunflowers

There is nothing my generation loves more than instant gratification. I am guilty of this myself. It has taken me several days to feel through the enormity of what our society currently faces. Yes, I am angry. But my explosion of anger did not feel like the best use of me, so I took a little time. And I think taking time made it possible to prevent myself from falling into the trap of social media posting to prove my #BLM solidarity to the virtual world. I feel strongly that if I had participated, I might have allowed myself to feel that I had done my part with that ONE POST and moved on. That would have been an instant way to feel like I had addressed the problem, with repercussions I was not comfortable with.   So do not shame me or tell me I am doing it wrong. There is more going on over here than you would ever know from social media.   My contemplations have been the most focused on follow-through. My generation has an extremely difficult time trusting processes,...

The turkey has been carved and eaten, and the year is winding down. After holiday gatherings, I find my thoughts wandering to things that have happened since last year's festivities. During 2018, I have made a project out of myself. (I'm pretty much always doing that, but this year had extra intention.) In January, I wrote about my word of the year being "core". I was determined to know my own core, mostly so I could figure out how to move around in this lifetime to the tune of universal flow. All the opinions, values, perspectives, all the habits and all the programming, had to come out into the open so I could peer beneath them and see what was at the heart of it all. At first I thought that I would be spending a lot of time by myself. And the universe said, "Gurl, how you expectin' to grow ya mind if ya only ever in ya mind?!" Fo' real!! I enrolled in a mondo self-care regimen to go along with this undertaking: I started therapy, regularly r...

I did a glorious workshop last week, led by a new friend that 2017 bestowed upon me. Carole Ann is a leadership counselor and life coach (find her at PenneyLeadership.com ), and has been a wonderful person to bond with as we waded through some super shit this past year. She holds an annual workshop about finding your word of the year, something you can keep with you to guide your way and remind yourself of goals you might have. I liked the idea of it, so I went, drank tea, conversed with fabulous women, and took home some worksheets and reminders. While many of the women had found their word for 2018 that night, mine took a whole freakin' week to settle in. Core. I debated about "commitment", "center", "anchor", but feel much more at peace with "core". Core has no anxiety attached to it like "commitment" does. "Center" felt too ambiguous after a while, the word is associated with so much. "Anchor" was a nic...

It may be scary, but that’s only because it matters. Found that lovely little quote in an article today, and had one of those "aha!" moments. Finally, words to describe my feelings. Sometimes I embrace change. I'm pretty good at it in my professional life, for example. I've gotten comfortable with tearing head first into a new job and picking all the juicy fruits of the labor. Quite the variety of fruit over the years, but I've delved so far into myself through it, and have grown so much. It used to be scary, but now it's not. Even saying hello to an old boss the other night at my current job, where he thought I ran the place, was enough proof that I've probably even exceeded my own expectations at this stage of my life. Excuse me while I pat myself on the back for fighting so hard to get here. Other times, I do not embrace change. Or I at least don't go down without a fight. I have a really hard time with intimacy, platonic or otherwise. ...

Dear Client, Admittedly, I was nervous about our appointment. I know that your body cannot handle the kind of massage I prefer to give, simply because older bodies tend to me more fragile than those of well-trained athletes. But I refuse to let my preference for working out a rehabbed shoulder girdle get in the way of learning something from every client. So I met you with an open mind. And let me tell you, our session was one of my favorites to date. You are not the kind of client to bliss out, maybe snooze a little, only respond to my voice when it's absolutely necessary. No, you wanted to spend the whole time getting to know each other. You asked me a thousand questions at least. Normally, I only give out bare-minimum answers. Yesterday, I decided to be a human as well as a massage therapist, and offer conversation right back. Turns out, you were quite interested in who I am as a person. All in one hour, you learned where I'm from, told me my high school has a great ...

I've become fascinated with the idea that there is a difference between an artist and a craftsman. I'm mid-way through Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain, in which he describes his life's work in restaurants. It's rather funnier than I anticipated, and riddled with brutally honest truth about the industry, especially in the Northeast. All this entertainment, and I'm still struck by the fact that he chose to make a distinction between an artist and a craftsman: When he assembles a team for his line, he would rather have a cook who can crank out dishes quickly and consistently and takes pride in this ability (craftsman) instead of a cook who becomes inspired to throw a sprig of rosemary in of his own accord (artist) and potentially ruin everything. I have always thought of cooking as a sort of art, but I had never put concentrated thought into the craftsmen who can recreate the chef's art with stunning precision and regularity. Having been immersed in r...

January is a bizarro month for me. Winter does that snowy thing, hot tea and a book are always more inviting than traipsing in the cold, and every year without fail, I get RESTLESS despite choosing to hole myself up. Late to the resolution party, but in time for Imbolc, I've made some goals for myself this year: 1. Graduate. Perhaps "duh". But I'm really looking forward to channeling my passion for anatomy, movement, and solving puzzles into what's turning out to be a great love for sports massage therapy. 2. Run 5 miles and pretend it doesn't suck. I've never particularly liked running, but I always feel awesome afterward. I kind of just want to see if I can train myself over the 3-mile self-imposed limit. 3. Climb a V5. Outside. And finish it - none of that "4 moves and I'm done" nonsense. 4. Buy a new car. All by myself. Cha-ching! 5. Travel. Chicago is a possibility this year, as is a road trip if that car works out well. Y...

Patterns are interesting things. On the one hand, they help us make sense of the world - patterns allow us to group things, to categorize them, to understand their relationship to others. On the other... they just get really OLD. I'm particularly tired of seeking human connections at this moment. In my life thus far, I've been subjected to lying, sometimes to my face, sometimes by accident. I've been cheated on. I've been betrayed. I've been pushed down, called names, made to feel worthless, shamed, guilted, manipulated into someone else's idea of who I should be. I've taken abuse - physical, emotional, psychological, verbal - because I thought it was the right thing to do at one time. I've done some things I'm not proud of, just to try and pick myself up and drag myself over to a mirror, in an effort to identify what these pieces of me are so I can make a project out of sewing them all back together. Patterns - slightly different each time, bu...

I. AM. SO. ANGRY. RIGHT. NOW. Contributions to anger: 1. money 2. automobiles 3. sunscreen 4. food 5. People who would rather live in a box, closed up and sealed, thinking they can keep to themselves without having any effect on anyone else whatsoever. 6. "THEM". The people our society trusts to have all the answers, to be guiding our communities onward and upward, the ones who are supposed to have our best interests in mind but clearly don't. Let's address the small stuff, shall we? I just quit a full-time, kinda cushy job because I am more interested in my life being put to productive use through integrity, giving people the best experience I am capable of giving, and teaching them to become students of life. Being in job limbo means that my spending dollars are going toward the necessities. The good news is that I have 2 jobs on deck; but I will be taking a financial hit by not having much, if any, expendable income. It angers me that integrity can have a...

" Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived a much more fulfilling life than those who have put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure. " -Author Unknown The views while bouldering... really can't complain! Today there was much sunshine, much exercise, and much conversation. I'm enjoying these beautiful spring days in all the ways I can think of, accompanied by the people I enjoy spending time with, talking until we've exhausted the subjects and fall silent to listen to the rustling leaves and sounds of our breath. How many ways can we talk about risk? It sure drums up a lot; fear, doubt, anger, hope, adventure, failure, wisdom. Victory. Why do we take risks? Imagine for a moment that no one had taken any risk. Ever. *pause for effect* It's just not possible. It's not in our DNA to never take a risk. Some Neanderthal once upon a time went hunting so that he could provide food and p...

Tired. Exhausted. Run down. Drained. Worn out. OVER IT. I'm so tired of fighting. It's time to give up. It sounds like defeat. It's really not. Defeat is hopelessness in the face of adversity. Accepting defeat would be watching everything crumble and not lifting a finger. Me? I'm a fighter, I am a warrior; and here's where that backfires just a bit. You have to realize what you're fighting for. If it's misguided, undereducated, or perhaps blind, your fight is empty. The battles are all uphill, in the cold, in the rain, in the dark. They take forever; days, weeks, maybe lifetimes. To what end? What is your goal, what do you search for, what do you defend and why are you defending it? I've been fighting for what I thought of as survival. My combat has been with the things that people told me I was good at, with the desire to give people what they wanted from me when I didn't have it, and with maintaining equilibrium so everyone around me would ...

Here's a thought: mind-body medicine. Hmmm... There's something relieving about routine. So often it is suggested that we "shake it up", "do something spontaneous", or "go against the grain." While those are all worthwhile choices to be made, there is something to be said for having elements in ones daily life that are the same. Constant chaos is a force to be reckoned with, for sure, and having things to come back to, to ground yourself with, allows for the lovely moments of being still. Reading has been the name of the game for the past couple of weeks. One of the biggest things that stuck out for me recently was in an article I read somewhere, in which the author found that some of the most successful people in history have a common practice: they sit alone for at least 20 minutes every morning. This is something I have been attempting to cultivate for months now, with spotty success. Morning meditation, in my experience, has been bombarde...

Confession: I'm pouting that I haven't been called to help in Boulder right now. The past week in particular has been ripe with conversation about life purpose. Three of my closest friends have entertained these thoughts with me; one focused on talents, one on method, and one on timing. Talents. It's kind of a loaded subject, especially for someone who grew up with a heavy dose of the arts. I'm trained to think about talents on a mechanical level - how high I can kick, what my vocal range is, what grade of music I can sight-read. Natural talents always looked like that to me, and until I studied psychology in college, it hadn't occurred to me that even things like intelligent problem solving, creating safe dialogue, and effectively managing staff all qualified as talents too. So my friend and I chatted, picking apart the ways in which we felt we could be used, if only our true talents had the proper outlet. Behold the second conversation of the week: friend...

I couldn't even think. Mary-Laurence was on the other end of the phone, trying to be strong for me, but I knew she was having just as much trouble as I was. The first stages of the psychology of it all went by real fast... denial, anger... and then I landed *splat* in the middle of shock. Somehow, I was able to have an entire phone conversation without losing it, so I hung up and just stood there. I knew only the pertinent information. As soon as the words, "Blake was in an accident," escaped my mouth, I was in a pile against my mother. They're the kind of stories you hear about, not the ones that you think are going to personally affect you. And truthfully, I don't know how I would have been affected had it been somebody else in my social group. But this was Blake, one of my best friends in the world. He had a rock climbing accident. He and I had climbed together for months before I left Boulder, and I witnessed his excellent decision-making skills about clim...

I'm home. Well... how do you define "home" anyway? I feel like I've outgrown this place, and even the house I grew up in no longer says much about who I am these days. For one, I have got to get rid of the orange and purple bedroom. I've changed so much, it's a little bit ridiculous. Instead of pasta, my quick meals look more like eggs and vegetables. Instead of laboring at the thought of running, I'm regularly killing my 2mi loop at a 7 min/mi pace. Rather than floundering for a social life, time spent reading or otherwise alone is relished. And the job? Erm... that looks relatively the same. I was hired back at the rock gym the other day. So what's the problem? Well, there's no problem per se, all of my basic needs are being met and my family is here for me. I guess there's just a weird little resistance to coming back, and I'm having trouble putting my finger on what it is. At first, it sounded great to come back, take things a li...

Well... it's definitely been a while. I prefer writing about the nice things, the fun things, the things that will make readers smile and feel good. My lack of posting is due to a lack of these things. Alas, when you try to bury and forget the unhappy things in life, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to analyze and learn from them. And really, that's part of learning how to be you. My job was taken away from me, and replaced with half as much work, half as much money, and a whole lot of stamping on my pride. All of it without warning. I certainly spent plenty of time feeling sorry for myself, unable to understand why it happened and not knowing what to do next. Wallowing felt like the appropriate thing for a while. But even that gets tiresome, and I felt compelled to pick myself up, look the weak spots in the eye, and get the heck on with my life lessons. Although I exude confidence in the face of change and newness, I start to buckle when people learn that I'm ...

Does this happen to anyone else? Just when you think you've gotten a handle on who you are as person, you learn something new. Or something at least suddenly becomes clear to you, more like an epiphany about something that has evolved over time. This is literally a constant, cyclic occurrence. I could be under the impression that I've figured out how I think/feel/act about a certain area of my life, and then suddenly, I realize the reality is different from my perception. Possibly better, possibly worse. Specifically, I've been thinking a lot about my career life. My boss handed me a book called "Good to Great" by Jim Collins, a case study of several different companies that made huge breakthroughs and had sustained profitability. Jim went into the project looking for the reasons that these companies had such marked results compared to others. One of the chapters is about being able to confront the brutal facts, knowing what your company will be the best at ...

Oh gosh. New things. All over the place. Again. My job is now full-time. My social life has grown. And I've become aware of several habits that I am trying to break. (Sugar withdrawal ain't no laughing matter.) A lot's been going here in the Boulder Bubble, not the least of which is being surrounded by wildfire outbreaks, mostly due to lightning storms. We finally had lots of rain last weekend, which may put a damper on climbing trips, but I'll take it if it means my state won't burn to the ground. Two months in RI during the winter felt like I was living an alternate life; I already know how to exist quite comfortably there, what with friends, family, and old jobs to go back to. One of my co-workers in Boulder asked me how my trip was, and I told him it was like leading a double life. I put Boulder life on pause, unpause RI life when I get there, and do the reverse on the way back. It literally feels like no time has passed, more often than not. The only diff...

Why do the best ideas always occur to me in the shower? Last summer when I lived in Providence, my entire dance lesson plan knocked me upside the head at the same time that the shampoo was working its magic. I've had countless choreography ideas do the same. Yesterday, as I was getting ready to go to brunch with Alicia, I contemplated my climbing of late. I've taken to working hard on some bouldering, mostly because it's so low-maintenance... throw on some shoes, chalk up, and Ta-Da! I can work a problem. I have also been in contact with the director of Ascendance, seeing as she moved her company to Boulder. (GO FIGURE. Boulder has made my life literally fall into place.) Out of nowhere, the common denominator in everything I love to do appeared: they all involve movement, strength, and intelligence. -Dancing -Climbing -Hooping -Acro -Yoga Any time I am pursuing any of these activities, I get lost in them. They provide an inexplicable escape but have a clear f...

Where do I begin? Grab a cup of tea and your reading glasses, this is nothing short of a novel. My place of employment hosted the IFSC Lead World Cup in October, and my, oh my... I was either yelling, swooning, or basically going crazy at any given point throughout the whole weekend. Yelling for my friends who were competing (and the rest of the athletes who were nice to me). Swooning because, well... have you seen climbing muscles in person? No? I recommend the pictures from the Denver Post . Such a good time, hopefully more good times to follow! November saw a visit from my parents, which turned out to induce feelings of wanting to live in Boulder for them. Which is perfectly fine, as long as I no longer live here. But since I'll be sticking around... I'd prefer them to wait awhile. I did enjoy showing off my city, which included a visit to the CU ice rink, breakfast at Snooze, and a trip to NCAR (fascinating, really). Not to mention lots of walking. Mid-month, I visit...