The usual? Nope, no more of that.
Patterns are interesting things. On the one hand, they help us make sense of the world - patterns allow us to group things, to categorize them, to understand their relationship to others. On the other... they just get really OLD.
I'm particularly tired of seeking human connections at this moment. In my life thus far, I've been subjected to lying, sometimes to my face, sometimes by accident. I've been cheated on. I've been betrayed. I've been pushed down, called names, made to feel worthless, shamed, guilted, manipulated into someone else's idea of who I should be. I've taken abuse - physical, emotional, psychological, verbal - because I thought it was the right thing to do at one time. I've done some things I'm not proud of, just to try and pick myself up and drag myself over to a mirror, in an effort to identify what these pieces of me are so I can make a project out of sewing them all back together.
The takeaway from all of those experiences can be boiled down into one pattern - I kept hearing "you're not enough." If I was trustworthy enough, no one would lie to me. If I was pretty enough, no one would cheat on me. If I was the best friend I could be, no one would betray me. I wouldn't be shamed, guilted, manipulated if I really was good enough. People wouldn't come in and go out of my life so easily if I was enough.
Heartbreak is exhausting, and repeated heartbreak can whittle a person down to despair. Experience has taught me that people will always let me down in some way, and the only person I can count on is myself.
But I have a hard time believing that I'm all I'll ever need. First of all, it'd be super boring, and second, I'm part of a whole - a whole universal consciousness and love that I personally find ridiculous to ignore. Relationships are also tremendous vehicles for change and growth that is much harder to come by when you're alone.
The fluidity of relationships is something I struggle with though, and this is the central theme of my patterning. It's really painful to have an overall positive relationship disintegrate into negativity, and I hate the feeling of turning my back on something that once held so much potential. I have destroyed myself repeatedly because I was hopeful - but there's a threshold where my health is more important than trying to save a relationship. If we both choose to work it out, great; I've become pretty good at conflict resolution through all this trying, so at least that's something. If we can't move beyond negative behavior though, it's probably time that we go our separate ways.
It never gets any easier to accept when someone is not a good fit for you anymore, whether its a friend, partner, coworker, neighbor, or even a family member. I've cycled through what seems like a bazillion friends and jobs; sometimes they've only wanted something from me, sometimes they're attracted to what I represent rather than who I am, sometimes they claim I'm not the person they thought I was. In the end though, the ups and downs of relationships should have nothing to do with my own sense of self-worth. No friend's perspective should make me question if I'm a good enough person. No partner's actions should send me into a meltdown of trying to be someone I'm not.
I don't believe anyone is inherently "bad" or "good". I feel that we're all capable of each side of the spectrum, and everything in between (excluding instances of biological behavior abnormalities). Effective relationships seem to embrace the "everything" and work with it, understanding that all anyone's really looking for is love. These are the kind of relationships I will choose to keep. I'm done with this old pattern of allowing myself to be treated poorly and believing that I'm not good enough if I can't make it work. I am enough. Thank you to those who stick it out with me - it's certainly not easy, but journeying through life is richer because of you, and you are appreciated more than you know.
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." -Rumi
I'm particularly tired of seeking human connections at this moment. In my life thus far, I've been subjected to lying, sometimes to my face, sometimes by accident. I've been cheated on. I've been betrayed. I've been pushed down, called names, made to feel worthless, shamed, guilted, manipulated into someone else's idea of who I should be. I've taken abuse - physical, emotional, psychological, verbal - because I thought it was the right thing to do at one time. I've done some things I'm not proud of, just to try and pick myself up and drag myself over to a mirror, in an effort to identify what these pieces of me are so I can make a project out of sewing them all back together.
 |
| Patterns - slightly different each time, but essentially the same. |
Heartbreak is exhausting, and repeated heartbreak can whittle a person down to despair. Experience has taught me that people will always let me down in some way, and the only person I can count on is myself.
But I have a hard time believing that I'm all I'll ever need. First of all, it'd be super boring, and second, I'm part of a whole - a whole universal consciousness and love that I personally find ridiculous to ignore. Relationships are also tremendous vehicles for change and growth that is much harder to come by when you're alone.
The fluidity of relationships is something I struggle with though, and this is the central theme of my patterning. It's really painful to have an overall positive relationship disintegrate into negativity, and I hate the feeling of turning my back on something that once held so much potential. I have destroyed myself repeatedly because I was hopeful - but there's a threshold where my health is more important than trying to save a relationship. If we both choose to work it out, great; I've become pretty good at conflict resolution through all this trying, so at least that's something. If we can't move beyond negative behavior though, it's probably time that we go our separate ways.
It never gets any easier to accept when someone is not a good fit for you anymore, whether its a friend, partner, coworker, neighbor, or even a family member. I've cycled through what seems like a bazillion friends and jobs; sometimes they've only wanted something from me, sometimes they're attracted to what I represent rather than who I am, sometimes they claim I'm not the person they thought I was. In the end though, the ups and downs of relationships should have nothing to do with my own sense of self-worth. No friend's perspective should make me question if I'm a good enough person. No partner's actions should send me into a meltdown of trying to be someone I'm not.
I don't believe anyone is inherently "bad" or "good". I feel that we're all capable of each side of the spectrum, and everything in between (excluding instances of biological behavior abnormalities). Effective relationships seem to embrace the "everything" and work with it, understanding that all anyone's really looking for is love. These are the kind of relationships I will choose to keep. I'm done with this old pattern of allowing myself to be treated poorly and believing that I'm not good enough if I can't make it work. I am enough. Thank you to those who stick it out with me - it's certainly not easy, but journeying through life is richer because of you, and you are appreciated more than you know.
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." -Rumi
Well said!
ReplyDelete