Black Clouds and Sunflowers

It may be scary, but that’s only because it matters. Found that lovely little quote in an article today, and had one of those "aha!" moments. Finally, words to describe my feelings. Sometimes I embrace change. I'm pretty good at it in my professional life, for example. I've gotten comfortable with tearing head first into a new job and picking all the juicy fruits of the labor. Quite the variety of fruit over the years, but I've delved so far into myself through it, and have grown so much. It used to be scary, but now it's not. Even saying hello to an old boss the other night at my current job, where he thought I ran the place, was enough proof that I've probably even exceeded my own expectations at this stage of my life. Excuse me while I pat myself on the back for fighting so hard to get here. Other times, I do not embrace change. Or I at least don't go down without a fight. I have a really hard time with intimacy, platonic or otherwise. ...

Dear Client, Admittedly, I was nervous about our appointment. I know that your body cannot handle the kind of massage I prefer to give, simply because older bodies tend to me more fragile than those of well-trained athletes. But I refuse to let my preference for working out a rehabbed shoulder girdle get in the way of learning something from every client. So I met you with an open mind. And let me tell you, our session was one of my favorites to date. You are not the kind of client to bliss out, maybe snooze a little, only respond to my voice when it's absolutely necessary. No, you wanted to spend the whole time getting to know each other. You asked me a thousand questions at least. Normally, I only give out bare-minimum answers. Yesterday, I decided to be a human as well as a massage therapist, and offer conversation right back. Turns out, you were quite interested in who I am as a person. All in one hour, you learned where I'm from, told me my high school has a great ...

I've become fascinated with the idea that there is a difference between an artist and a craftsman. I'm mid-way through Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain, in which he describes his life's work in restaurants. It's rather funnier than I anticipated, and riddled with brutally honest truth about the industry, especially in the Northeast. All this entertainment, and I'm still struck by the fact that he chose to make a distinction between an artist and a craftsman: When he assembles a team for his line, he would rather have a cook who can crank out dishes quickly and consistently and takes pride in this ability (craftsman) instead of a cook who becomes inspired to throw a sprig of rosemary in of his own accord (artist) and potentially ruin everything. I have always thought of cooking as a sort of art, but I had never put concentrated thought into the craftsmen who can recreate the chef's art with stunning precision and regularity. Having been immersed in r...

January is a bizarro month for me. Winter does that snowy thing, hot tea and a book are always more inviting than traipsing in the cold, and every year without fail, I get RESTLESS despite choosing to hole myself up. Late to the resolution party, but in time for Imbolc, I've made some goals for myself this year: 1. Graduate. Perhaps "duh". But I'm really looking forward to channeling my passion for anatomy, movement, and solving puzzles into what's turning out to be a great love for sports massage therapy. 2. Run 5 miles and pretend it doesn't suck. I've never particularly liked running, but I always feel awesome afterward. I kind of just want to see if I can train myself over the 3-mile self-imposed limit. 3. Climb a V5. Outside. And finish it - none of that "4 moves and I'm done" nonsense. 4. Buy a new car. All by myself. Cha-ching! 5. Travel. Chicago is a possibility this year, as is a road trip if that car works out well. Y...

Patterns are interesting things. On the one hand, they help us make sense of the world - patterns allow us to group things, to categorize them, to understand their relationship to others. On the other... they just get really OLD. I'm particularly tired of seeking human connections at this moment. In my life thus far, I've been subjected to lying, sometimes to my face, sometimes by accident. I've been cheated on. I've been betrayed. I've been pushed down, called names, made to feel worthless, shamed, guilted, manipulated into someone else's idea of who I should be. I've taken abuse - physical, emotional, psychological, verbal - because I thought it was the right thing to do at one time. I've done some things I'm not proud of, just to try and pick myself up and drag myself over to a mirror, in an effort to identify what these pieces of me are so I can make a project out of sewing them all back together. Patterns - slightly different each time, bu...

I. AM. SO. ANGRY. RIGHT. NOW. Contributions to anger: 1. money 2. automobiles 3. sunscreen 4. food 5. People who would rather live in a box, closed up and sealed, thinking they can keep to themselves without having any effect on anyone else whatsoever. 6. "THEM". The people our society trusts to have all the answers, to be guiding our communities onward and upward, the ones who are supposed to have our best interests in mind but clearly don't. Let's address the small stuff, shall we? I just quit a full-time, kinda cushy job because I am more interested in my life being put to productive use through integrity, giving people the best experience I am capable of giving, and teaching them to become students of life. Being in job limbo means that my spending dollars are going toward the necessities. The good news is that I have 2 jobs on deck; but I will be taking a financial hit by not having much, if any, expendable income. It angers me that integrity can have a...

" Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived a much more fulfilling life than those who have put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure. " -Author Unknown The views while bouldering... really can't complain! Today there was much sunshine, much exercise, and much conversation. I'm enjoying these beautiful spring days in all the ways I can think of, accompanied by the people I enjoy spending time with, talking until we've exhausted the subjects and fall silent to listen to the rustling leaves and sounds of our breath. How many ways can we talk about risk? It sure drums up a lot; fear, doubt, anger, hope, adventure, failure, wisdom. Victory. Why do we take risks? Imagine for a moment that no one had taken any risk. Ever. *pause for effect* It's just not possible. It's not in our DNA to never take a risk. Some Neanderthal once upon a time went hunting so that he could provide food and p...