Black Clouds and Sunflowers

Patterns are interesting things. On the one hand, they help us make sense of the world - patterns allow us to group things, to categorize them, to understand their relationship to others. On the other... they just get really OLD. I'm particularly tired of seeking human connections at this moment. In my life thus far, I've been subjected to lying, sometimes to my face, sometimes by accident. I've been cheated on. I've been betrayed. I've been pushed down, called names, made to feel worthless, shamed, guilted, manipulated into someone else's idea of who I should be. I've taken abuse - physical, emotional, psychological, verbal - because I thought it was the right thing to do at one time. I've done some things I'm not proud of, just to try and pick myself up and drag myself over to a mirror, in an effort to identify what these pieces of me are so I can make a project out of sewing them all back together. Patterns - slightly different each time, bu

I. AM. SO. ANGRY. RIGHT. NOW. Contributions to anger: 1. money 2. automobiles 3. sunscreen 4. food 5. People who would rather live in a box, closed up and sealed, thinking they can keep to themselves without having any effect on anyone else whatsoever. 6. "THEM". The people our society trusts to have all the answers, to be guiding our communities onward and upward, the ones who are supposed to have our best interests in mind but clearly don't. Let's address the small stuff, shall we? I just quit a full-time, kinda cushy job because I am more interested in my life being put to productive use through integrity, giving people the best experience I am capable of giving, and teaching them to become students of life. Being in job limbo means that my spending dollars are going toward the necessities. The good news is that I have 2 jobs on deck; but I will be taking a financial hit by not having much, if any, expendable income. It angers me that integrity can have a

" Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived a much more fulfilling life than those who have put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure. " -Author Unknown The views while bouldering... really can't complain! Today there was much sunshine, much exercise, and much conversation. I'm enjoying these beautiful spring days in all the ways I can think of, accompanied by the people I enjoy spending time with, talking until we've exhausted the subjects and fall silent to listen to the rustling leaves and sounds of our breath. How many ways can we talk about risk? It sure drums up a lot; fear, doubt, anger, hope, adventure, failure, wisdom. Victory. Why do we take risks? Imagine for a moment that no one had taken any risk. Ever. *pause for effect* It's just not possible. It's not in our DNA to never take a risk. Some Neanderthal once upon a time went hunting so that he could provide food and p

Tired. Exhausted. Run down. Drained. Worn out. OVER IT. I'm so tired of fighting. It's time to give up. It sounds like defeat. It's really not. Defeat is hopelessness in the face of adversity. Accepting defeat would be watching everything crumble and not lifting a finger. Me? I'm a fighter, I am a warrior; and here's where that backfires just a bit. You have to realize what you're fighting for. If it's misguided, undereducated, or perhaps blind, your fight is empty. The battles are all uphill, in the cold, in the rain, in the dark. They take forever; days, weeks, maybe lifetimes. To what end? What is your goal, what do you search for, what do you defend and why are you defending it? I've been fighting for what I thought of as survival. My combat has been with the things that people told me I was good at, with the desire to give people what they wanted from me when I didn't have it, and with maintaining equilibrium so everyone around me would