All Work and No Play, Except to Work at Playing

Self-discipline. I lack this in extraordinary proportions, though not in the ways you'd think.

Work matters, appointments, meeting a friend for lunch are all things I am more than capable of doing in a self-disciplined manner. I'm nearly always on time and prepared for whatever it is I'm getting myself into. Where I lack (more than a little) is disciplining myself to do the things I love.

Can you see me? My favorite boulder in Garden of the Gods.
What's that, you ask? Why would I feel the need to apply discipline to the things I love? For one thing, I don't do them often enough. For another, I don't do them in the optimal way. I have way less than a speck of regard for taking time out for myself on a consistent enough basis. The return in this is a whopping helping of dissatisfaction and unrest.

Mostly, I'm too busy thinking about everyone else first, and not spending enough time cultivating myself. I probably learned this from my mom, to a degree. She is the most selfless person I know, which can be quite honorable and compassionate of her. I doubt I would be able to consider others in the same way if she hadn't shown me how to do that. But I'm finding that there is a point where it becomes detrimental to myself to continuously make sacrifices for others. When I can't leave the house unless I'm somehow involved in making someone else's day brighter, my entire life becomes about other people. Then it suddenly takes waaaaay more effort than it should to remember that I was put here, as an individual, for a reason.

I have a tendency to lose track of the things that light my soul on fire. Dancing, for sure, is the true love of my life. And do you know how much time I spend dancing, on my own? None. I don't know why. When I got into the competitive companies in middle and high school, I distinctly remember rearranging my bedroom to maximize empty floorspace so I could practice and stretch. In college, I did none of that. College did a great many things for me, but one thing it certainly facilitated was the execution of dance technique simply to pass under an "expert's" judgment.

Yesterday, while reading the Dalai Lama's "How to Practice", it dawned on me that I need to discipline myself to dance when it isn't about getting kicked out of the company if I don't make it to class. Save my sanity, if you will. So, the backyard is my new studio, for the time being. I plan to make a full-fledged effort to take better care of my passions.

View of Long's Peak from Hall Ranch, Lyons, CO.
As a side note, I went hiking with one of my roommates today outside of Lyons, CO at a place called Hall Ranch. First time I ever saw a prairie dog, and my, are they cuuute! Unfortunately, my camera is less than adequate at staying on, so it refused to take a picture of them. But I did manage to get Long's Peak onto the memory card. I think I may take up biking... cyclists seem to be the most in shape people out of all the in shape people here, and there are so many neat trails to explore. My other roommate Chris lent me a book on Boulder's local hikes, I don't think I'm going to have enough time for them! Alas, I guess I will just have to come back here later in life. :o)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To My 86-Year-Old Client

Dear Client, Admittedly, I was nervous about our appointment. I know that your body cannot handle the kind of massage I prefer to give, simply because older bodies tend to me more fragile than those of well-trained athletes. But I refuse to let my preference for working out a rehabbed shoulder girdle get in the way of learning something from every client. So I met you with an open mind. And let me tell you, our session was one of my favorites to date. You are not the kind of client to bliss out, maybe snooze a little, only respond to my voice when it's absolutely necessary. No, you wanted to spend the whole time getting to know each other. You asked me a thousand questions at least. Normally, I only give out bare-minimum answers. Yesterday, I decided to be a human as well as a massage therapist, and offer conversation right back. Turns out, you were quite interested in who I am as a person. All in one hour, you learned where I'm from, told me my high school has a great ...
Read more

The usual? Nope, no more of that.

Image
Patterns are interesting things. On the one hand, they help us make sense of the world - patterns allow us to group things, to categorize them, to understand their relationship to others. On the other... they just get really OLD. I'm particularly tired of seeking human connections at this moment. In my life thus far, I've been subjected to lying, sometimes to my face, sometimes by accident. I've been cheated on. I've been betrayed. I've been pushed down, called names, made to feel worthless, shamed, guilted, manipulated into someone else's idea of who I should be. I've taken abuse - physical, emotional, psychological, verbal - because I thought it was the right thing to do at one time. I've done some things I'm not proud of, just to try and pick myself up and drag myself over to a mirror, in an effort to identify what these pieces of me are so I can make a project out of sewing them all back together. Patterns - slightly different each time, bu...
Read more

Artist vs. Craftsman

I've become fascinated with the idea that there is a difference between an artist and a craftsman. I'm mid-way through Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain, in which he describes his life's work in restaurants. It's rather funnier than I anticipated, and riddled with brutally honest truth about the industry, especially in the Northeast. All this entertainment, and I'm still struck by the fact that he chose to make a distinction between an artist and a craftsman: When he assembles a team for his line, he would rather have a cook who can crank out dishes quickly and consistently and takes pride in this ability (craftsman) instead of a cook who becomes inspired to throw a sprig of rosemary in of his own accord (artist) and potentially ruin everything. I have always thought of cooking as a sort of art, but I had never put concentrated thought into the craftsmen who can recreate the chef's art with stunning precision and regularity. Having been immersed in r...
Read more