Facing the Scary Stuff

It may be scary, but that’s only because it matters.

Found that lovely little quote in an article today, and had one of those "aha!" moments. Finally, words to describe my feelings.

Sometimes I embrace change. I'm pretty good at it in my professional life, for example. I've gotten comfortable with tearing head first into a new job and picking all the juicy fruits of the labor. Quite the variety of fruit over the years, but I've delved so far into myself through it, and have grown so much. It used to be scary, but now it's not. Even saying hello to an old boss the other night at my current job, where he thought I ran the place, was enough proof that I've probably even exceeded my own expectations at this stage of my life. Excuse me while I pat myself on the back for fighting so hard to get here.

Other times, I do not embrace change. Or I at least don't go down without a fight. I have a really hard time with intimacy, platonic or otherwise. I always tell myself I want to change, and I want to try something new, but I have a (totally unfair) tendency to expect that I'm going to get hurt, and self-sabotage instead. I've somehow rationalized that if I start breaking the relationship down (or never allow it to build in the first place), then I keep myself safe. Years of heartache can do that to you. So change can't happen, instead I keep repeating the same shit over and over again. I don't actually want that. There's been much inner conflict about this in the past decade. I know there is an alternative to this loop, but what is it?

So how about right now. Right now, I'm doing work. A shitload of internal work. And I can see the scary things. Sometimes I look them directly in the face, sometimes I avoid them like the plague. But I think I'm discovering an alternative to being scared and keeping my guard up. I've recently learned how to observe myself in a fearful state. I've learned how to detach my thoughts from my being, at least enough to recognize that I am NOT my thoughts. I don't have to be afraid just because my mind tells me I should be. Thoughts are wisps of words that float in and out of my brain, giving me perspective, sometimes challenging me, sometimes deluding me, sometimes saving me, most of the time simply giving me a method of interpersonal communication. I'm learning how to BE, to experience the present moment, without so much unnecessary (over)thinking.

I'm facing the scary stuff now because it matters to me.

I want to trust, I want to learn how to share space, dreams, hopes, desires, without constant fear. Let's be honest, fear never truly goes away, but we can get better at managing it. I want to share my inner world, with the intention of inspiring growth and positivity, both in myself and others. I've outgrown the need to be validated, the "need" to only make moves if I have someone's approval. The only approval I need is my own. However, I still want to share my ideas, feelings, resources because maybe there's an aspect I hadn't thought of. Maybe I can learn something. Maybe I can be supported in a way that makes it easier and more fulfilling for me to grow. And maybe I can provide those things for someone too.


This "scary stuff" is, in my opinion, one of the ways to cultivate meaning and satisfaction (dare I say, enjoyment) in life. WORTH IT.

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