War, or Something Like It

Tired. Exhausted. Run down. Drained. Worn out. OVER IT.

I'm so tired of fighting. It's time to give up. It sounds like defeat. It's really not.

Defeat is hopelessness in the face of adversity. Accepting defeat would be watching everything crumble and not lifting a finger. Me? I'm a fighter, I am a warrior; and here's where that backfires just a bit.

You have to realize what you're fighting for. If it's misguided, undereducated, or perhaps blind, your fight is empty. The battles are all uphill, in the cold, in the rain, in the dark. They take forever; days, weeks, maybe lifetimes. To what end? What is your goal, what do you search for, what do you defend and why are you defending it?

I've been fighting for what I thought of as survival. My combat has been with the things that people told me I was good at, with the desire to give people what they wanted from me when I didn't have it, and with maintaining equilibrium so everyone around me would be content. If I could give anything that was asked of me, I could at least take pleasure in seeing others be happy.

Right?

Thing is, when you believe in what others want to see in you, rather than what you know to be true in your heart, you never get to enjoy anything. Even if they are happy. You are so spent from trying to make perfect spreadsheets because your boss thinks your talents lie in finances, when you'd rather be teaching classes because you know you're even better at educating. You are so burned out because your friend wanted you to come over so she could ask for your advice again, and you'd rather have a friend who asked you how you are doing just as much as you ask them. You are so ragged because the littlest mistake you make can have rippling effects that will tip the scale of some crazy idea of a perfectly stabilized life. These are some of the things I've been known to wage war with.

Misguided? I'm very good at deluding myself, actually... if I turn around and buy into what people tell me I'm good at, maybe it'll become true! Undereducated? Yes... you don't always know the kind of people you're dealing with until you have already put some time and energy into the relationship. But then it's a choice on your part to keep them or let them go. Blindly? Only insofar as I ignored the regular helpings of intuition that socked me in the gut when I had enough time to observe what I was doing to myself.

None, I repeat NONE of these battles have won the war - I wasn't fighting for a life I wanted, I was fighting for a life that I felt was expected of me.

I have spent the past year shedding and working through all of that carnage in order to get here. And let me tell you, washing all that residue off is 100% hard scrubbing. Steel wool to the skin. I've let go of jobs, friends, possessions that had been counteracting that nagging intuitive message that I am meant for more. I am worthy of the happiness and fulfillment that is at the core of my existence. I AM WORTHY.

I'm currently standing on the precipice of a renewed life, and this time, I've created the mission. My battles will be fought for love. Self love and universal love. They will be fought in the name of compassion, trust, understanding, and with the knowledge that perfection does not exist as anything more than a theory. They will be fought by me and for me, and they will have positive rippling effects on our collective consciousness. I will allow myself to be seen, and I will hone the talents I have so that I may serve my highest purpose.

The war has been won - it was really only a war against myself anyway. It has totally exhausted me, and I give up trying to be something I'm not. Recuperation is in order, and when I regain my strength... well, we'll just see what happens then. :o)

Comments

  1. UnknownMarch 10, 2014 at 12:31 PM

    This is right on sistah.
    Raw.
    Deep.
    In your face, TRUTH.

    Thank you for being a strong woman, for sharing your strength.

    Happily in tears,
    Sarah

    ReplyDelete

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